The power of vulnerability to build community.

I use social media a lot. I’m on Facebook, Instagram and twitter, the first two I use constantly, I mean, regularly. 😉 I also manage The Simple Life and contribute to AccessTheStory. (So many hyperlinks…)

With all of that ^^ in mind, I have a pretty strict and complicated personal social media policy. Every post gets filtered through a ton of internal screening questions, one of which prevents me some sharing anything too personal, negative or controversial.

This year I’ve been experimenting with stepping outside my normal boundaries, being a tad vulnerable and writing more open and honest posts. *cue dramatic music here*

vulnerability equals community

1) A couple months ago I shared this post, my first risk, describing a journey of burnout and recovery, at a level a lot more open and vulnerable than normal. #lifesuckssometimes

2) I followed it up with this post, sharing my progress after some time away in a really helpful and healing environment. #thereishope

3) Then recently, I shared this post about my burnout recovery. #itdoesgetbetter

It blew me away that after each post was published, it sparked a particular response from people. Messages of encouragement, people sharing their own stories, admiration for my courage in being honest… I heard from all kinds of people – some from my past, some I hadn’t heard from in ages, as well as close friends.

It occurred to me that by choosing to be vulnerable, I had created a space for others to step out, share their story with me, offer encouragement, even words of affirmation that truly meant so much to me.

Call me crazy, but that sounds like community, no? People sharing their stories, even if only momentarily, encouraging each other, expressing care, gratitude and support for each other.

So it got me thinking…

What if we all stopped posting our perfect lives, dialled back the filter a bit, relaxed our social media policy and allowed some raw honesty, some vulnerability back into our broader communication?

What the worst that could happen? People might know your life isn’t perfect and that you struggle sometimes too. Big deal.

What’s the best that could happen? You might just inspire people to step out and be honest with themselves and others, ask for help, find support and healing in a troubled time. You might give someone an opportunity to offer you some support and encouragement. You might just build community in your world.

Doesn’t sound so bad to me. The only cost? Your vulnerability.

JB xo

3 stages to burnout recovery || What I’ve learnt so far…

[Originally published 13th May 2014]

If you’ve read my other posts this year, you’ve probably picked up that life wasn’t that easy last year. I’m ok to admit that, in fact, I think we should all talk about our struggles more often. As such, I’ve been reflecting on the recent months and I felt it might be good to share some of my burnout recovery experience with y’all.

[Disclaimer: 
I’m not a professional in this matter so please read this knowing that I am speaking only from my own personal research and experience. I’m also only about 6 months into my own recovery and therefore fully expect that my thoughts and advice will evolve.]

Stage 1: Know what burnout is.

I have found this handbook very easy to read, informative and therefore incredibly helpful. It describes burnout as:

“a form of chronic strain that develops over time in response to prolonged periods of high stress.”

It also describes three core dimensions of burnout being:

emotional exhaustion, depersonalisation, and reduced personal accomplishment.”

Sounds scary, huh? Yeah. It kinda is. Burnout is basically like stress on steroids. 
It’s easy to ignore the signs and it can even happen when you love what you do. In fact, it’s more likely to happen in this case cos you are prepared to go the extra mile (the one that kills you) when you are more passionate.

I discovered I was burnt out in about October 2012, which meant I probably had it for at least a few months prior. Unfortunately it wasn’t until October 2013 (a year later) that I was able to step into a space of recovery. I’ve heard different opinions regarding how long burnout recovery can take but it seems the average is up to 2 years. #yikes


Stage 2: Prepare yourself for recovery.

– Relationships will change. The difficult times in life are great for revealing the true status of your relationships. Burnout is no different. It’s tough. People are in your life for a reason but in reality, very few will contribute to your support and healing. Their silence will hurt. But that’s ok. It will feel like they’re choosing your ‘ex’ over you (if burnout was like a bad relationship break up). You just gotta move on because during this early stage, you have to think about your own well-being and not the state of every single friendship in your world.

– Your capacity will disappear. I used to get my kicks out of having multiple priorities and responsibilities, juggling crazy hours, long days, volunteering, public speaking, the works! There came a point where I just couldn’t do all of that – I would get really sick, lose focus, feel anxious… I just didn’t feel like me anymore. It makes you feel pretty lost and I found it challenged my sense of identity.

– Cut out major responsibilities for the short term, and slowly re-introduce them as you begin to feel better. For me I had to stop working full time, and thanks to the support from my husband, was able to be at home more and take care of life’s simple responsibilities.

Stage 3. Walk the recovery journey. Some tips:

– You have your good days and your bad days. Good days might mean you have the energy for a walk or run, a feeling of general happiness and a desire to be around people you would normally place in the “too draining” category. Bad days might look like staying in bed, unable to leave the house, re-watching a season (or two) of your favourite tv show. FYI – both good and bad days are not just allowed but are to be expected.

– Celebrate the small wins. As you rediscover your confidence, slowly, as new adventures entice you out of your cave and back into the land of the living, there will be moments when you achieve something. Even if it’s just getting through your emails, or nailing that work presentation, realise that you DO still have something to offer and you ARE a highly skilled individual.

– Acknowledge how bad it got, and that you have responsibility here, too. Brace yourself though, its hard to look back and you might discover it was a lot worse than you thought and you have more work to do to get better. (As was the case for me…)

– Evaluate your social media presence. I’ve found socmed to be pretty unhelpful with my recovery. Unfriend or at least unfollow people that bring up familiar and unwelcome feelings of anxiety. It only drags you back into the place where your head is filled with crap you don’t need.

– Learn from the past. Don’t make the same mistakes again. For me, I learned that doing too much, for too long, in an environment that wasn’t healthy for me was the killer combo. From now on I will be more discerning with people and projects I attach myself to, especially knowing now how much I pour myself into the work I do.

It’s not easy but I can honestly say that 6 months on, I am a million times better already. There is still a ways to go but I feel like I’m over the worst of it and I’m just about ready to take on a new adventure.

Thanks for listening. Hope this has helped someone.

JB xo

Checkpoint: Part two. Post Conference.

[Originally published 18th March 2014]

Last week I shared this post – part one of this checkpoint which is proving to be quite the turning point for me… 

There are some verses in Psalm 38 that reflect how I was feeling last week. Words like “my heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light has gone from my eyes” (v10) described what life has often felt like in recent months. Prayers like v22-21, “Lord, don’t forsake me; don’t be far from me my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Saviour” were similar to what I carried on my heart as I arrived in Sydney for Colour Conference*.  

I can honestly say that there was definitely a specific agenda to my being in Sydney. After months of feeling ‘deactivated’, with no clarity, living with a posture in my spirit that could only be described as down-trodden, I heard words like “you will rise“, “you have permission“, “it is personal” and these three words that cut right to the core of me, “GET. BACK. UP.

#woah.

I was also reminded that one of my strengths is how I pour myself into what I do and that’s OK – but – I need to guard my heart (Proverbs 4:23) and be mindful of what I’m pouring myself into. 

God could not have been more specific. 

So, what does that mean for me? Where to now? Naturally I returned home chewing on those questions and keen to debrief with a close friend and mentor. Which I did. (I love a good debrief!)

I believe now, that after a few months of rest and recovery, it’s clear the next big adventure is before me, and it’s time to get back up and go. Step one involves the launch of a new ministry organisation, “Access The Story” happening next Saturday, to which you are invited, and where you will find out more of the story and adventure ahead. 

My journey up to now hasn’t been easy, but it has shaped me, taught me and obviously led me to this point today, so in the end, I am grateful

I am grateful… 

… for the time I could spend in Sydney, with my awesome mum, in an atmosphere of encouragement, love, community and good teaching. 

… for the specific lessons, breaking the hold my past still had over me. 

… for the power in simply choosing to be grateful! (Go on, try it….) 

… for the sale the “Superdry” store had that meant I could come home with an awesome present for my husband, Darren. 😉 (Two hoodies for the price of one? Yes please!)

… for fresh revelation that through it all I am called to love relentlessly, just as I am loved first, because darkness trembles at a love like that. (And I wanna be the kind of person that makes darkness tremble…. Don’t you?) 

As usual, my weekend at Colour Conference did not disappoint, and I confess – I did buy a conference t-shirt… I will probably wear it twice and then promote it to the pajama’s drawer. #sawitcoming

J xx

Checkpoint: Part one. Pre-conference.

[Originally published 13th March 2014]

Here I am again. For about the 6th time, on the eve of another Colour Conference.

I’ve been known to share a few thoughts at times like these (check here and here links below) so I thought I’d keep with tradition. Only this time, I feel we might have a two-part series on our hands. (If it were a three-part  you could start calling me Pastor Jess… #christianhumour)

So as I sit in the Sydney airport, please indulge me as I take stock of where I’m at today, to be compared with where I will be on Monday.

Since last Colour (in 2012):

Some things have changed…..

1. My marital status. Unlike another pre-Colour post, this time I have bling on my left hand and a new surname. I wonder if this will change the lens I see this weekend through? Probably.

2. My work. Two years ago I was about to go full time in a ministry role I loved. Now, I’m part time in a couple different roles as I recover from burnout caused by the aforementioned role. #irony

3. My priorities. These days I care a lot less about the social aspect of the days before me and instead hope to get some space.

4. My clarity. I have none. Well, maybe a little bit. Certainly much less than I wish I had.

Some things are the same…

1. My pre-conference nerves. You would be the same if you were as introverted as me and were preparing to be in a room with 16,000+ other women. #somuchoestrogen

2. My anticipation. Every time I’ve been at Colour I have always come home with greater understanding, clarity (here’s hoping!), and passion for what I’m put on this earth to do.

3. My desire for shoe shopping. Enough said.

4. My mum is by my side. I do love me some quality mumma-daughter time. Will miss my sister though, who I also love doing conference with.

My hope for the next few days is that I find some space to mentally and spiritually stretch out, work through a few things in my head that are bugging me, eat some yummy Thai food and not buy any of the merchandise that I know deep down I don’t need.

Until Monday….

Jess xx

 

7 things I would say to my 20-something self.

[Originally published 24th October 2013]

It’s been 6 months since my wedding day and almost 3 years since I was single. In that time I have come to know the sense of RELIEF that I never have to navigate my way through the stormy waters of singledom ever again*. (Hallelujah)

It’s no secret that I had my share (and then some) of relationship blunders, some of which were due to my naivety. So, in recent months, (especially since my wedding and my 30th birthday) I’ve reflected a bit on my twenties and wondered what I would do differently.

Having learnt my lesson the hard way, here’s what I wish I could say to my 20-something single self, and what I’ll be teaching my daughter one day…

(If you’re a fella — I’ve translated this for you. See below!)

1. A coffee is not a proposal. 

Neither is a nice conversation after church, or a friendly text message, or a ride home after uni. Australian culture doesn’t really do ‘dating’ well, which means one-on-one hang outs can be complicated. Obviously you need to know someone before you enter into a relationship with them but just because you hang out alone, doesn’t mean it’s more than just friends.

2. He isn’t perfect. Neither are you. 

He will say/do the wrong thing and you will take it the wrong way. To make matters worse, Adelaide is a small town and people talk. (SUCH an unfortunate reality.) Remember that any information you get second or third hand will already be filtered through the person who is giving you that information. Leave it to him to reveal his imperfections, not others. Be gracious here, remember Matthew 7:3-5.

3. You over-think EVERYTHING. He over-thinks NOTHING. 

Picture this: The coffee date is over and I’m walking back to my car texting my bestie “OMG I just had the best coffee date with [insert his name here], he is so cute, I think he is the 1! XD” 

Meanwhile, he is walking back to his car probably thinking “I could so go for a cheeseburger right about now…” 

4. Facebook: The best and worst thing for the dating world

Facebook chat doesn’t count as getting to know you time. Social media makes it easy to make that first connection, but if you stay in the space for too long or go back to it too regularly you risk miscommunication, misinterpretation, etc etc… 

Get some perspective people — He’s probably sitting in his trackies on the couch watching his fave TV show or playing x-box with Facebook open next to him, while you are probably perched attentively in front of your computer waiting for him to reply. (Yes, I painted an extreme version of this picture, but you get the idea.) 

5. It’s fun to rush, but better to wait. 

The longer you wait to get to know him, the better it will be. The benefits of taking your time FAR outweigh the fun of rushing into something. Seriously

6. CONTROL. YOUR. EMOTIONS. 

Ladies, please. ‘Nuff said. 

7. Forget boys. Enjoy LIFE. 

Don’t give in to the pressure you’re under by your marital status. It still astonishes me just how much the church celebrates those who marry and how little credit we give those who do not. (I’ve referred to something similar in a previous blog.) In hindsight, I spent way too much of my twenties fussing over boys – so much time wasted wondering, questioning, crying, etc! 

TRANSLATED FOR THE FELLAS —

1. Coffee dates are cool but too many of them can send a certain message. 

2. Previous mistakes can come back to bite you. Be prepared to offer an explanation or show that you’ve grown since then. 

3. Try to consider how she’s seeing things between you two. 

4. Don’t hide behind Facebook chat. If you like her, tell her in person, and take her out for coffee. (But don’t forget no. 1!)

5. We all have a tendency to rush things. Be the guy that slows the pace down. 

6. Girls are emotional. Deal with it. 

7. Forget girls. Enjoy LIFE. 

Just sayin’

JB 🙂 

*Disclaimer: I’m not bragging about being married, being single is also awesome. I’m just referring to how difficult it can be sometimes.